Monophobia (Emelia Dalca Fanfic)

 Monophobia

 An Emelia Dalca Fanfiction

 For most young people, being alone is difficult and a cause for boredom, which in turn is a difficulty that most find practically insurmountable and intolerable. It's generally not a nice thing, unless being alone is your intention - but being alone is never my intention. I am only alone when people walk out on me and lock the doors and windows, and even then I will pound desperately upon them, needing to get out and see somebody - even if they're my enemy. Sometimes, when I am alone, I would be glad of the presence of Rasskazov. That is because of monophobia.

Monophobia is "the fear of being alone." So, whilst being alone is hard for most, for me it is just a terrifying prospect. It is the worst of scenarios, being locked in a dark room, alone. Never mind the dark part, if it was lighter I would know there was nobody else there. At least if it was dark, I could pretend. The darkness is a good companion, those who are afraid of it overlook its great companionship or its friendship when it wraps around you. And I let it in to my life, to mask me, to hide my history. There is darkness within me, too, where nobody can see it until I let it out. That is when I snap.

So, when my other, more favourable companions, the Aces, walked out on me and locked the doors and windows, I was alone, and I could see that I was alone, because it was not dark. I went home to Romania for awhile, and even then I was alone because my mother and father were in Montenegro for some reason. So...the monophobia took hold, and it was horrifying for me. I was already crazy and I knew it, the Aces and I joked about how I belonged in an asylum...but what began to happen still horrified me.

It was as if someone had begun to choke me - I couldn't breathe - even after the original bout had passed I was hyperventilating. I heard voices murmuring "Congratulations," in sarcastic voices, ones I was sure I knew. I was reaching out to those voices, because they were human, almost unaware that they were only in my head, that they were not real. I was willing them to be real, so that in some way I was not alone. If they saw me now, they would know that I am not as strong as I like to make believe that I am, the facade that I put up.

There was a reason for that facade - so that nobody really knows me. I don't want anyone to know me, not this side of me. They would laugh, and taunt, and they would pretend to befriend me...but in the end I would wind up alone. In the end it would always be my monophobia and I, with my shadow as my only friend. But if they don't know me...maybe they won't know how much it wounds me. How much it hurts me. How much it feels like they stab me every time they turned me away. And I don't want them to know that.

If they knew that, I would be different, not the person they befriended. So I hide, trying to distract myself. In the end, it is always my monophobia and I. And so...I let it in. I don't let anybody see how much it hurts. How when they're gone, it makes me nothing. I hide from them and their curiosities, keeping myself veiled in shadows. And so, I let the darkness in again...and the vicious cycle rolls on.